By Ailsa Lord, Child & Adolescent Counselling Psychologist, Lakeside Psychology.
Helping children manage their emotions while handling your own emotions can be a challenging task. Long term research by Gottman and colleagues found that different parenting styles affect children’s emotional regulation skills, and other aspects of development.
Gottman explained that a parent’s personal theory about emotions is influenced by their family of origin and by ongoing emotional interactions with others. For example, a parent who believes that anger is about loss of control and prefers to suppress emotions, may not be able to teach their child about healthy ways to regulate anger or conflict resolution.
Children learn ways of coping with emotions by watching how their parents do this, and by watching how the parent responds to their child’s own emotions. Parents who “coach” their children through emotions tend to show high levels of warmth, are less critical of negative emotions/behaviour, and are more open to negotiating. When parents find it hard to tolerate their children’s emotions, they may be unable to use that time to teach emotional problem solving and children miss out on valuable learning experience.
There have been four separate categories of parenting styles identified. Most parents have elements of more than one parenting style, and it can be helpful to reflect on which style you tend to use:
Emotion coaching: Being aware of the child’s emotions, viewing the child’s display of emotions as a time for intimacy and teaching, helping the child to verbalise emotions, empathising and validating the child’s display of emotion, and helping the child to solve problems (while still setting limits on behaviour).
Emotion dismissing: Not attending to, ignoring or minimising the child’s emotions, may still be warm and attentive to the child but avoids talking about/allowing the child to express difficult or unpleasant emotions (e.g. anger, sadness).
Emotion disapproving: Judging or criticising the child’s display of emotions when they are difficult or unpleasant.
Laissez-faire: Permitting the expression of all emotions, but does not help the child to regulate them and solve the problems that have led to those emotions.
Research has shown that children whose parents use emotion coaching have more positive outcomes in a number of areas including emotional competence, ability to self soothe, higher educational achievement/cognitive skills, and fewer physical illnesses. Research has also indicated that children whose parents primarily use the latter three parenting styles have poorer outcomes in these areas.
What can I do if I want to be more of an emotion coach for my child?
- Become more aware of your child’s emotions, especially those at a lower intensity. Remind yourself that this is a time to try emotion coaching and a few new ways of responding to the child’s emotions.
- Use resources to help your child label what they are feeling. For example, use bear cards, jump on Google and print off some faces of different feelings so they can choose from the “feelings” menu.
- Don’t rush into trying to solve problems when your child is upset. Often when children feel understood, the intensity of their feelings subsides and there isn’t so much of a problem to solve anymore.
- Keep in mind that “small things” for parents can be big issues for children. That does not mean that your child’s emotion is not valid, rather that we have to try and see things from their perspective. Try to remember or imagine how you would have felt at your child’s age about the situation.
- Emotion coaching does not mean not setting limits for your child. Your child needs limits even if they push against them. A combination of firm limits enforced in a calm voice with emotion coaching works best.
Here’s a real life example:
Mum: Cody it’s time for school.
Cody: I don’t want to go.
Mum: Come on, it’s time to go. I’ve got to drop you there to take Michael to the doctors (in a matter of fact tone).
Cody: Nooo! I hate school (whimpers).
Mum: No you don’t. You love going to school. You’ve never not wanted to go before. What’s happened now?
Cody: I just don’t want to (starts to cry).
Mum: (starting to get irritated) Come on Cody, I haven’t got time right now. Get your shoes and bag. You are going to make me late (annoyed).
Cody: (Kicks his bag and starts to wait).
Mum: Stop it Cody! Will you get in the car (exasperated).
An emotion coaching approach:
Mum: Cody it’s time for school.
Cody: I don’t want to go.
Mum: Come on, it’s time to go. I’ve got to drop you there to take Michael to the doctors (in a matter of fact tone.
Cody: Nooo! I hate school (whimpers).
Mum: Oh, you don’t like school? That’s not what you usually say. Has something happened?
Cody: No (starts to look tearful).
Mum: Oh, sweetheart (giving a cuddle). Something’s made you feel sad and stopped you wanting to go to school.
Cody: (hugging mum) I want to stay home.
Mum: You’re feeling sad and you want to stay home?
Cody: Yeah. I hate Jordan.
Mum: Did something happen with him yesterday?
Cody: Yeah he pushed me over in the hall and told the others I couldn’t hang out.
Mum: Oh, that’s a bit rough. No wonder you’re feeling sad. Maybe you’re a bit angry with him too saying that in front of your friends?
Cody: Yeah, I’m not playing with him anymore. I’d rather play with Adam.
Mum: Oh, so you think you might play with someone else. That sounds like a good idea. I bet you’ll have fun with Adam. Maybe you can just ignore Jordan.
Cody: Yeah, the others don’t really like him anyway… (and off they go to school).
Emotion coaching doesn’t always work as perfectly as this, but research shows that when parents practice using the technique 30-40 % of the time, children have positive outcomes.
What if I want to know more?
Grab a copy of Gottman’s book “The Heart of Parenting”. Attend a Tuning into Kids program, often run in community centers such through Connections. If you are still having trouble managing your child’s emotional needs then talk to your GP about a referral.
